Tough love? or Abandonment?

My little brother turned 16 today. Two days ago I called him and told him that I wanted to help him but that there wasn't anything I could do for him until he was ready to be helped and that I was angry at him for his not taking responsibility for his own actions.

J got himself kicked out of his school. Children and Youth came in and will be placing him in a day program for troubled youths. The public school he has been attending no longer wants to deal with his issues so they are forcing him out. He refuses to do his work, sleeps in class, refuses to participate in gym class, and now he's taken to wandering the halls rather than going to class.

I became so angry at my mother about this whole situation that I haven't been able to talk to her in the two weeks since she gave me the news. My mother has a severe disability in which she is unable to accept responsibility for any of her actions including her abuse of my sister and me. My mother chooses work over her own children. She is a very dismissive mother and has always seemed to lack the ability to provide appropriate emotional support.

She made my sister feel so unloved and wanted that my sister acted out. When D acted out my mother said "See, you ARE a horrible daughter just like I thought" and placed her in the foster care system because she didn't want to deal with any of D's issues. Toward me she was particularly physically as well as mentally abusive. She would hit me on a regular basis and threaten to shot me or herself while I watched.

Now, my brother is acting out in the much the same way my sister acted out. He simply doesn't care about his future because he doesn't feel loved and cared for by our mother. I am not saying that he is completely innocent in this situation because he is now 16 years old and could think about his actions more. The problem is that she doesn't teach him to do that. She emotionally abandons us and then turns around and uses our behaviors as vindication for not wanting to deal with us. She is now threatening my little brother with the same thing she did to my sister, pass him on to the system and let them deal with the mess she has made.

I want to help my brother. My sister and I feel that the best thing for him is to come and live with one of us and D and I would have shared custody of him. Our goal is to try and undo some of the psychological damage my mother has done to him and get him through high school. However, he's not ready to take responsibility for himself or his future. He's being 16 years old and likes not doing his work and messing around in school and still going out and doing whatever he wants. He knows my sister and I will have some tough rules he'll have to follow and expectations he'll have to meet.

So, two days ago I pretty much told J that I was angry at him and mom both because while she has a lot of responsibility to claim in this situation he is now 16 years old and needs to learn that his actions have consequences. He does not want to come and live with D or I at this time. I told J that I can't keep making myself sick and chasing after him trying to save him when he refuses to be saved with some of the choices he makes.

I am experiencing a lot of guilt over the conversation I had with him because I feel that it's my responsibility to save the world. In particular I should be able to save one 16 year old boy.

The Voice

I have a Voice that I developed some where around 13 that speaks inside my head. Sometimes this Voice is very loud and other times I am able to ignore it and rationalize that what it's saying isn't true. This Voice is very cruel though and when I am battling depression I sometimes tell myself that what the voice is saying is the truth and that I need to take the criticism seriously. The Voice convinced me to embrace Ana when I was 15.

I have a love hate relationship with both the Voice and Ana. Rationally, I know that it's not a healthy way to exist. However, when my life is out of control and I feel like I am failing at everything Ana helps me feel empowered and like I can get through whatever is going on. I have been "recovered" for more than ten years. However, it's an on going battle that has had it's ups and downs.

Ana isn't a solution for anything though. She comes in and destroys your life, your body, and your self-esteem. She's probably the biggest bitch you've ever met. Though she tries to lull you into believing that she's your friend.

At the same time though, you want to be alone with her, embrace her, let her make you feel safe and cared for because you don't feel any of these things. If you can control your body the way she wants you to then you can control the rest of your life and strive toward perfection even though you know you can never reach it. Still you tell yourself, five more pounds and I'll be perfect.

It's a heady thing that feeling of power that comes from feeling your stomach eating itself from hunger and denying yourself relief. Today I bought lamb, pasta, and sauce because I especially love to cook when I am like this. There is this obsession with food that starts. I love to manipulate it, play with it, cook it, look at it but not eat it. All I want to do right now is cook Ed food and know that he's enjoying it and know how delicious he thinks it tastes.

I have to write this and post it because I know the worst thing I can do right now is let her be inside me where she wants to be. If I force her out into the open she starts to lose her power and the hold she has with the Voice. They both tell me how terrible I am and how unworthy of love and kindness and caring I am because of how much I disgust others. It's so hard right now not to listen to them and wrap myself in Ana's arms where I feel I belong.

Depression thoughts

I know I was working on the alphabet thing but I haven't been keeping up with it and we're already half way through October. So, I'm going back to just rambling on about whatever pops into this messed up head of mine. Maybe if I can find time to do it every day it will be therapeutic and healing.

I wrote awhile back that I was in the hospital for depression at the end of July. I have been dealing with that through the use of medication (which I hate) and therapy (which I am thinking about changing therapists).

I am a cognitive/behavioral psychologist. If you want to change something in your life then change your thinking or change your behavior. This is often way easier said that done. I often get into funks and am very stubborn about routines. I like routines. They make me feel safe and in control. When my routine gets messed up then I get thrown all out of whack. Also, it's very hard for me to change a routine once I get into it.

I like to get up at the same time. Do the same things to get ready. Leave at the same time. Stop at the same places. At get to where I need to be at the same time every day. When I got laid off from NS this all stopped abruptly. It really threw me for a loop and it's been very difficult for me to get my bearings and be able to carry forward.

It's been difficult for me to deal with my depression because I don't deal with my emotions. I just put them aside and hope they'll get lost some where. I don't share my emotions with people easily. Then when I do, I do so in a way that sets myself up to be misunderstood or almost ignored. Because I offer my feelings and things going on in my life in such a covert way that it's often missed by those around me.

One thing I am pretty sure I need to do is change therapists. I don't trust the one I have and feel like I can't communicate with her well. One reason is her approach to therapy. She's a psychoanalyst and our views on psychology are completely opposite. I wish they would have asked me in the hospital what kind of therapist I wanted because I would have made it clear that it isn't this. She makes me talk for 45 minutes straight without saying much of anything back to me. There is no dialogue. It's just me trying to fill up 45 minutes of dead air with absolute drivel.

I want to bring a problem to the table and hash out a way to fix it. Then move on to the next problem. She wants me to talk about my sex life which I don't really want to do with her because Fruedians are notorious for deeming those of us who practice BDSM as psychologically unhealthy.

However, I do wonder how much of my frustration with this situation is because I am so far out of my comfort zone and all I'm trying to do is get back into my safe little way of dealing with the world.

F is for Future obsession

I turned 30 yesterday. I remember starting college. I was convinced that I was going to be well on my way in my career by now. Of course since then I have had several different career goal changes. When it comes down to it I haven't really known what I want to be when I "grow up."

I am always obsessed about what is going to happen tomorrow. I have not been happy though. Yet, it's so hard to slow down and pay attention to the here and now. I want to know what to plan for I want to be as prepared as possible. I hate it when life springs a surprise on me. It drives me insane.

I still feel like I really have no idea where I am going. I want to start my own company and I hope it is successful and I am able to get it off the ground. I really feel passionate about this. I just hope I can make it work.

Rather than obsessing about the future I need to stop and look around at what I have right now. I have a lot too. I have friends who care about me and I them. I have a husband who adores me and I him. I have S and Will who I have grown to love very much and who I know love me just as much.

I need to focus on making each day count for what it is. An adventure, even on days that I think are mundane and ordinary. I am interacting with people in whose lives I can make a tiny difference by being kind and caring. I just hope I can stop worrying about tomorrow and focus on what is right in front of me now.

E is for Evil munchkin

Munchkin is evil. I am sorry, but it must be said.

Not only did she complain about my not keeping up with my blog but she even had the audacity to suggest that I should get spanked for it! With the prison strap no less!!! Now, I ask you, how evil is that?

Now, Ed is a very impressionable Top. He takes things very literally. So, when he saw munchkins "innocent little comment" in the side bar he thought that he should take it very seriously. Which means last night I got 1 swat for every day between August 5th and September 1st. To make matters worse, that came after getting the belt for a completely innocent (on my part of course) texting incident involving Ed's phone and one of his female friends. All I was trying to do was cheer her up...geez.

Anyway, back to evil munchkin, I hope you know what this means. War has been declared and I shall return the favor with interest. Muhaaaa!

D is for Dominance

It's hard to explain the rush that I feel when I am being dominated. It has to be something you enjoy in order for you to completely understand it. In the outside world many of us have issues with being controlled.

It could be that we were abused as children or even in our adult lives. It could be distrust of others in a position of control for various reasons. We don't want to be under the thumb of others because we want to have a say and a choice in our lives.

Engaging in a scene is completely different. It's liberating to be able to trust someone that much. It's intoxicating and can make you feel almost high or drunk in a way. The adrenaline that runs through your body because you don't know what's coming next is so addicting that sometimes all you can think about it the next scene.

C is for Catching the spanking bug

This past year has been on the dry side of spanking activity for Ed and I. I pretty much take responsibility for this occurrence. With the depression getting worse and worse every week but being unable to acknowledge it or share my feelings about it with anybody, I just felt less and less like engaging with anyone. Unfortunately that included Ed and our activities together.

Thankfully, with the treatment of the depression over the last several weeks I have been feeling more and more like myself. Things that were fun are becoming fun again. I am actually looking forward to engaging with Ed in particular in rebuilding the spanking activity in our relationship.

In fact yesterday I was put Ed through his paces and could feel my pain tolerance returning. Something that had been decreasing as the depression got worse and contributed to my loss of interest in spanking. Today is my birthday, so I am greatly looking forward to receiving my yearly birthday spanking. Don't worry, I'll let you all know how that went.