I’m in the mood for pain and know that it’s more than likely not anywhere in my immediate future. That means you all get to suffer because I’m going to bitch about stuff here as an attempt to release some of the stuff I’m holding on to that makes me want to just explode on the people around me and take my anxiety and frustration out on them.
The honey moon period at the new company is officially over. This means clients are acting out and really starting to test limits. For me, this means that I have to watch everything I do and say so that it doesn’t come across in any sort of counter aggressive manner. Any of you who have had people test you and come at you all day know what I’m talking about. In essence, my job not only requires me to be in control of me but also of the 5-7 clients with whom I am working.
Last week the same client had 3 major melt downs 3 days in a row and I was the only staff on the unit available to deal with her. By the end of the third day I was seriously getting close to the edge of the proverbial ledge. Now, the staff at this new agency for MUCH better than the staff I worked with at the other agency. So, when I was done with each intervention the other staff would work to find me some time to step off the unit to be able to take some down time. I wish we had a treadmill on site. That would be the perfect time to pound out some hill sprints to release all that tension and frustration.
Also, W’s and my relationship isn’t what I would call in trouble but we’re in this phase where we really aren’t spending much time together. We seem distant from each other and that makes communication even more difficult. I already have my issues with talking about my feelings. When I feel like things are rough between us it makes it even more difficult for me to say what is on my mind. I am sure we’ll be able to work whatever is going on out.
I am also struggling with body image issues. Sometimes they are triggered by looking in the mirror and seeing something with which I am not happy. Other times it will be a comment made that will set me to obsessing about something. I am, thankfully, still managing to keep my eating issues under control. I know my body image is related to my health and I’m waiting patiently for my health insurance to start so I can address some overdue issues like the PCOS. Hopefully there will be successful treatment to help with the facial hair and the excessive weight. Both of which significantly bother me and are, at times, commented on by people who don’t always think before they let things come out of their mouths. Recently, someone said that I have a strong body odor. I shower daily, wear deodorant, and perfume, what more am I supposed to do? Maybe I need to start showering twice daily.
Life isn’t terrible; it’s just a bit stress inducing and one of my major coping skills isn’t available. I might have the chance to use it next week. I have my fingers crossed but if not there is always April to which I am definitely looking forward!
I hope everyone is having a very lovely holiday season.
3 comments:
errr.....I've been really close to you physically and haven't noticed any kind of unusual body odor....??? WTF?
Anyway, my sister has PCOS and I have seen first hand what its effects can do to someone's image even tho they work hard to do all they can to control it.
Personally, I think you have been looking better, more healthy and much happier when I have been around you. But I understand about seeing yourself in the mirror and zeroing in on something to obsess about. I do that, and I have come to realize it seems to be directly correlated on how I am feeling in general. I 'see' myself differently in the mirror sometimes, even tho technically, nothing has really changed.
Love you. :*
Actually when we were talking about you when you left the room a couple weeks ago ... :D .... the conversation revolved around you looking really good. And no that does not mean you looked bad before lol (I know those thoughts, I have them too). Just, like sarah said, better/healthier/happier. And ummm you didn't have any strong/unusual body odor. Not when I was sniffing you anyway....
Also, I have PCOS as well though I think mine is fairly mild and very related to my blood sugar issues and at least seems to be capable of being controlled by weight/exercise/health at this point. And I've been able to mostly cover up some of the resulting problems. But I do understand the issues that it causes leading to self image problems. Hopefully if you can get some kind of treatment started for it, things will start to work better and you'll feel better about it.
Hey Mary,
Sorry for leaving this in a comment but, I couldnt find an email. I had to move my blog some time ago and the new address is : http://cowgirlsspankingjourney.wordpress.com
Someone has since signed up for my old web address and is publishing things under my name in German. I would appreciate if you would update the link.
Thank you!
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